I only post here whenever I'm depressed.

Ah I don't even know where to begin with this one. Yeah, depression again it's nice to see you again. Today I spoke to one of the mutual friends and it brought back a world of hurt. I can't talk to anyone from that group anymore. Anything in the smallest, remote sense of negativity makes me feel so insecure and depressed. All I do is over-analyse, over-think and drown in my own emotions. I don't know what is wrong with me. And it was my fault for even trying to set out of that safety bubble.

The trip to Japan really changed in and the way I viewed my friends. How I was denial and thinking that it'll be fine. When I found out it really wasn't. If anything I felt like an outcast that I didn't belong. Whatever came out of my mouth was either disregarded as trash. And I held back my anger and frustrations because I didn't want to ruin the trip. But instead I ruined myself in the process. In their eyes they probably have no idea what the fuck I'm even talking about. 

How even in a fucking shinkansen you told me to move. And you put everybody's luggage first and mine last even though I walked in first. You dare give me the side eye later on when you asked me if I wanted to move my luggage. When there was no room left to be done. Or the time we were at the fucking ryokan and YOU said entrance fee was 600 yen. Then later on screamed at me saying that it was free. And making a fool out of me. I never forget these things.

All I can say is I felt like I have two knives plunged on my back. And one in my heart that hasn't stopped bleeding since I came back. On the 13th I spent the whole night crying because I was so hurt. Not sure if they noticed or if I did a great job in covering my makeup. Can't even tell my closest friends about it cause' I didn't even want to admit it myself.

One day I bumped into another mutual friend and she asked me if I was going to the graduation. At that point there was no invitation or any signs of communication. And I didn't even know what to say. So I left it at that. Miraculously I get an invite the next day to attend the graduation. I don't want to be that girl I know my place and what message you're trying to send me. Either you forgot about me or intended not to invite. Then really what's the point. I gave up.

It hurts so much even thinking about it. I'm trying so hard to brainwash myself into thinking it was a good trip. It's almost June and I still feel like shit. Sometimes I just want to message you and pay you back the money I owe you and just say we can't be friends anymore. The 3 of us. Cause it's not like it's a big deal to lose me anyway. If anything it'll make your life better.

Fuck my heart hurts.